Over the last 35 years I have spent around 2/3 of that timespan entirely 100% focused on one or other child. Eleven years my own, the balance one or other child (0 yrs to 21) of someone else. Rather to my amazement as prior to that first kid moment i had zero to do with any of them, ever and assumed i never would. BUt from the first moment i did it is as if my DNA shifted and whenever i am in any way connected to any child i go into a 100% kid mode of what they need must be the ONLY priority. I also only enjoy that. All the rest of life is nothing, next to being parent or carer to any child.
Having all my life raised many varied animals most successfully (and caring for those of others) I will say " just like when you are raising ferret or horse, its as if a child can smell your 'vibration' from 100m away". One's 'vibe', or 'energy' - the way one comes over by body language, tone of voice, is central.
However i have recently been enjoyably pondering an aspect of my own youth - a most beloved loving mentor, Ralph Ellis, substituting many years for parents not exactly 'accessible'. True mutual love. But.... he was nevertheless constrained - a kind of 'paid friend'.
And so i made an audio essay on wondering what is the best practice with ANY child one may be required to be part of their lives. What are the rules? (yes a question i am not 100% certain and like feedback - nobody dares though) And more important maybe just how over the last few decades in UK the simplest child psychology may have become warped by too many paid friends or too many significant 'others' in a child's life who can't TRULY parent them as they will be on shaky ground. Especially the step dad.
IN a standard audio file here
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1zwsZx9D_rec0pV4xz-4JpsWbFKfU8E2j/view?usp=sharing
Though it is NOT the intent, it is also the most important reason that a 'secondary' parent after separation should still have their child at least 30% of the time ( 'shared care' from about 30/70, ideally more like 40/60 as starting place) as when one has ones kid only perhaps 3 nights (And days) a fortnight then it is all treats - ice creams and movies, when a kid needs a fair bit of time with any significant carer figure to work through that which is in the audio, as well, as be shown 'love'.
Surely some or other child rearing / psych, book will have ascertained whats in my waffle..... surely... though i have never heard it put explicitly as i have. If not pay up all my stuff is free but a man cannot live on his free wisdom given away for free, alone...
even if i do.
Which is FAR better for you as is parenting ANY child than the food faddistness almost everyone is now is sick with when try and find something worthwhile to do - even jotting this mess, and i don't mind that half the time i have to live on revolting cheap nasties...
As i know the real KEY TO A LONGER LIFE IS A BIT OF A FIGHT EVEN ...to, get it right..
as 'mentul elf' and other pages in the link below are all about. But the ONLY reason to embark on all this improvement or even self rescue, is cos you want to live a long life FOR your kids - to be wise for them, no matter what...
And it works. If you have kids, at least...