Tuesday 8 June 2021

skip this 'post' until last.

 why its in small font everything else large maybe too large i dont have a moment for fancy things like design and layout yet.

Eureka – or the quiet dawn version of that word.


Which in fact is my own real word i would love to have with the world.


Fait accompli is another – get used to a fact. For example I have written a few online doodles – one rather large. It used to be on blogger.com that ones posts would have a date and time stamp. And my posts would almost always have 05.30 alongside them. And I have realized especially the last few years even that ‘intimidates’ maybe even the majority. Yes, every day always up and the same old rattling things out....which incidentally is ALWAYS happy. And the fact that maybe most haven’t managed to train or reset themselves to be always up and fresh faced always at 5am yes does intimidate. SO, fait accompli, I don’t think blogger shows the time stamp any more. Assume posts only written at 05.30. If you can’t handle that in your fragile little soul off you trot.


Anyway bully for me. But, in fifteen years – well actually since 2003, always searching for the odd ally – the key to any activity which holds to account or ‘gives it to the man’ as we would once say knowing it meant the bossy women too, is a few on side; or sticking a finger up – but the key: with a clean finger nail. Sorry no time to write entirely coherent sentences just yet – especially now I have figured at dawn lightbulb how to enjoy myself.


As I was saying in 2003 I did meet a wonderful  compañera  sad we could not become woman and husband. Or helpmeet. The same old reason – those jealous people, thinking they have you by the balls, fight and fight, despising your ‘freedom’  - every way they can complicate and delay, on your taxpayer cash, I could not get back to the wilder lands of gorgeous Mid Portugal too see her. A highly intelligent woman. And a woman who knew real life. And the one woman i have met who also knows your past is your past and how to smile every day of her wonderful successful recent future. That of the most successful phoenix genuine lovely person and small scale but well enough off employer and so popular among her serfs having in her youth sadly been sidetracked into being junky. The most healed person i have ever met, no need for expensive Tibetan sound bowls either. She got ‘it’. Only those who have licked the puddles from the bottom of the abyss really ever get ‘it’. We never had any quarter. No trucking. We were gloriously at one. Only positive and in the moment.  And then bugger me she goes and dies twenty years on rather quickly of cancer arising from the hepatitis of the teenage needle.


Anyway only one other person has truly impressed me. She was asked the Bertrand question. I met her on my only plane ride for over a decade, in fact is it only plane ride  15 years now, yes,  golly. Well one of two – the outbound leg somewhere very special, the second being back home. And she was asked mid Atlantic as we were heading into the night basically the two of us sticking two fingers up at the land ahead.

She  - fairly haute bourgeoisie, even met her Queen, but she got me, because she was me from her early on years, in fact, although I will never see her again, is the only person who has inspired me to just tick over. Stay on track.


And the Bertrand question is to do the very short and quick version  “ do you intend maintaining or even  getting a bit more ranty social actaviste nestbeschmutzer,  giving it to the man in your older age, passing 50 and into scrofulous fossildom ? Bertrand Russell did – he was giving it right to the bewigged man in his very old age.. everyone else especially every female i have ever known becomes so conformist and ‘mustn’t frighten the horse’s...really... as they get to the years of eau d’ammonia..   and it’s so sad as in fact one is free to be oneself (add in a bit XX guess what i do scientific research the experts of the ammonia scented tell me the ones who live longest say it is because they never stop “fighting the bastards”  - as in the nil illegitimus types..)

“take your time...ponder my question well...” And her answer was music.  Mind you very balanced ‘givin it’ is important or you become sour and maybe even dull.


And so. How do I keep not sour and enjoy myself rattling out a few long standing societal this and thats?


It came at dawn. Just like that! I didn’t try to look for a solution to a ‘problem’ i could not yet quantify. In other words a bit of just bashing on through the undergrowth  - unplanned, i did not plan to spend all day yesterday sat in my most sublime and peaceful parking spot with a machine out. I never do that. But it goes to show as so many times before at least five years the mind almost has a mind of its own. Things just come out of the blue  - wonderful juicy insights – perhaps only if one is ‘alive’ through maintaining the finger in place. They do feel like clouds of the sweetest pollen floating into the thick skull. No chemicals involved (yes i was sad when i saw that).


The ‘problem’: I don’t really like the ‘blog’ form. I wrote my first blog, a slightly poetical homage to a named person and i bet he knew, super fierce Lord Justice Wall, in around 2007 – i have it somewhere. I doodled regularly and quite uncensored around philosophical questions of his very existence. I was in fact on his side sort of when silly people could only see the bad in him. And then a few others. But i have 5 different (though all linked in some deep root system) issues or aspects of life i have planned a few online pages on for some years. Even if the very best one – that makes me so happy just to recall what we achieved, about lasses and nags, that shows life and true life, only arose last autumn.

Anyway i suppose the others are necessarily a bit droll; have to be confined to an easily digestible simple stand alone version for the modern butterfly brained browser. Keep on message, on subject. So be it.  And i wouldn’t even know if anyone did read them as i long ago gave up looking at visitor stats to any site. That way lies madness or at least a very dull persona.

But the eureka: there is one common aspect that in fact is always my own personal delight. It is the only part of mine own scrofulous existence i enjoy pondering, except the other many years thing of  how raising a ball of ammonia smelling human into the sweeter smelling best fun human ever just a few years on, really does make you also get some things about this thing called life into perspective and balance.

That common thread is  remembering the many rather fun and sometimes ingenious habits developed over the years to keep ticking over not only on a shoestring, but with the usual sometimes precarious housing issues of the region, in all weathers, even three years properly ‘off grid’ and not even a water tap or plug for a fair while, never with any effective same-page assistance, whilst most successfully always retaining a veneer of complete and utter comfortable cleanliness and normality. Because horses are so easily frightened. I can smell their mental jolts.

Poise, grace, always; I favour the word ‘sartorial’ meaning with a hint of confident provocation but that word seems to have been dumbed down by recent dictionaries and all online so called portals.


Describing that because how to maintain a semblance of the ‘normal’ even if I haven’t owned a fridge for 11 years (now that’s ‘living in the moment’; they’ll pay hundreds a day to hear some fraudulent guru with sleep and angst issues deep down of their own – i know a few!, blather about on their trendy ‘mindfulness’ courses),  or dont clean my zillions of cobwebs in the winter  - in fact still haven’t, as they are a glorious form of living art i love to see in my ascetic’s cave in a very old property with large chimney so zillions can get in, is kindof part of it.


SO i shall in fact have an entirely separate one common new blogsite that is only about that. All other sites will have a link to it. Keeps the droll confined versions of this and that like this and the others ‘clean’ yet keeps me happy as it is the only thing i enjoy writing about.  Sounds hippy bullshit. Ehhh....  nope....

Nineteen years ago one particular man came on the scene who I could somehow smell had an issue with needing to give it to others  - because he was sad bitter person i later realised how that thing called ‘guilt’ s so pernicious. If you chose not to fully parent your own kids by not even bothering to move to where they moved to, and pretend otherwise, that is the worst form of guilt that twists you into something rather jealous of others who are not like that. Danger... and thus i sort of clicked into a new mode: prepare always for the worst, figure the essentials, those very few important things and always keep on top of them no matter what.  And then everything else in orbit is always going to be provisional; always any aggro can come along at any time. And that goes for treble backups of everything always too, for all eventualities. And teach oneseself a few essential new  techniques which the quite likely future maybe permanent pauper will need to economise. And do it for real not some funky Ed Reardon version. And maybe more important than anything else – life is only about one thing certainly over 50  - making use you actually do have the time to enjoy the waves of stomach based sweetness that sometimes come – the good butterflies, when some shoestring plot works...or all of a sudden you dont bother any more paying off any of your debts  - bad example, there are others. Others i adore. Those little ‘victories’ I have so many in the can. And guess what .. years ago i would say to myself as i was mentally working through various fairly whiteknuckle hardship phases one day the tricks and habits i develop i will be grateful for. Stuff like 2 phones, one for all banking and creditors, just in case... Armageddon comes. Keep the other just for nice voices. You get the picture. So yes one day that will be useful. You never know the future. And then bless their cotton socks about a quarter of the world is going to have to learn to stop moaning and feel sorry for themselves and smile at every little bit of simplification and rationalisation and good old logistics planning that works out as the many year ridiculous false financial paradigm comes crashing down like hailstones in a desert.  SO that bit...even though its about a third of my life the last near twenty years and an aspect to existence i only adore, i shall whitter away about.... quite separately with just one link shown here when ready...and every word that will be there is a sweetest possible memory. If only everyone else moaning knew. And i was a selfish atomised twat in my 20s, in fact just about undercover king of them. I found something far more fun. Real fun. Letting go does not half way describe it. And furthermore every single person i ever may even hint at being some foe, always leaves one gift behind – of a non material nature i mean. In fact i am attuned to that one gift in every one usually in earliest encounter or soon after even when as usual gosh you miss judge how angsty and screwy someone may be until a few weeks on. And there sure is a pandemic of that.  There are no ‘enemies’. Only little funny insights to gather ...good job i have superb memory and they all remain pretty much in orbit around it.

Yes so there have been many other 'Angels of death' in the interim ....so they are just habits. Have them. Just in case. And also be ready to drop income streams and everything when the rare interesting new aspect to life comes along. That which genuinely does nourish in the head. 

So yes that collection of bits and bobs over near 20 years but in fact mainly the last two years - its astonishing how you think you are too fagged out to enjoy things you were good at before and then you can come back to them and are even more supercharged and good at them; and so have time to fully enjoy them.