remarkably, in fact almost miraculously.
I had a rather fun Munchian splurge for 7 years writing most days from dawn from 2010 (i must out liesdamage.com back up its still there..) , that gradually was no existential angst, and certainly no need to express or purge myself of any mucky stuff so as to... the phrase escapes me and every time i turn on the laptop with only half an hour of battery flip if something isnt there i have to move on but stuff comes from nowhere too... it wasnt a case of better out than in, which is a truth factually universal...all of it... it was more a case of previously to the worst of all things happening...one tried to hard to seem something upright safe and not too off the wall..
nothing to lose, one could... just let go because one can...
And i was even told by middle aged mother, and uni prof of culture then, 2010 who i slightly knew in person " i read what you are riffing most mornings and i 'get' it there's a kind of REAL 'poetical' energy there between the words... yea i see...you really are on top of the wave somehow powering through even laughing at the lame ducks stuck in the smelly waters all around but nicely..."
Anyway it NEVER EVER is good for you, even if it took me a long time before i admitted to myself " this new creative artistry [with words] amazingly is here for good... to be complimented. I spent several years almost lamenting professor Agnieska's compliment..its SO SO much better for you for everyone to just ... neither care and only think you are a bit lost at sea...
there - being only thought of as pathetic, lost, and even contemptuously is where true energy comes..
still i know that.
Energy (dud word all the fake 'aware' crowd stole 2 decades ago.. so i only use it when there dont seem to be others, even if LIFEFORCE is better) is only chipped away at if one thinks that one must please ones fan.... even if there is only one. And of course the key is - and in my case every word i utter is based on years or even decades of mergolating upon the issues and the realities, usually on 50km walking alone in the hills per week for 16 years.... that we know our own ideas and assessments or insights to get wanky 'aware' - another word they stole... are pukka. Or as pukka as can be. AND.. also inclusibve of the actual reality of others - behind their masks - i have peered at all my adult life pondering what indeed may be there...especially of my least favourite species the English (ok first equal in Europe with the other lot whom richer English like to be SEEN to be allied with... even if my heroine - a real one said to me 4 years ago..." i wouldnt bother...[ i had never taken tiime to meander even Florence much in my previous life os free travel and paid to await wankers at showoff special golf holidays or even awaiting hearts to be cut out so as to rush them to England to transplant some heartless Italian one into a heartless English... ] ... the Italians [she had lived among but IN THE MOUNTAINS.... bought up as 100% Heidi... plus half the time in scuzzy lower middle class London] ... as i know art having just finished my arts degree aged 40... just copied the ancient Greeks you didnt miss much...."
Energy or focus i guess comes from generally being ignored as haing nothing ever about you never mind much to say...
And those very long periods - years especially from 2015ish ... are the most fertile - you just know you are kindof right and that if nobody else gets you its their journey off to hell in a handbag...
Anyway the last 10 years i have also been told various times person to person long letters or messages and nobody false flatters me ever...
" god you can write with such punchy elegant soulfulness and turn it on a dime into something that would knock fat Alexei off his latest waggle dance..."
i think this is one of his recent shorts i never watch shorts but Alexei...
well...is a true genius but of course fake even if one of my few valued modern communicatrixes, in that he has in the past done extremely intelligent discussion interviews about the real history of liberalism and modernism (the real kind meaning how liberal egalitarian society evolved very well through 70s and 80s and then the Eton class said " thats enough... we let them have some post war catch up fun for a few decades.. treat uni as a true learning just piss away their grants at the bar discussing actual philosophy and thus actually learn.... bring the concentration camps back now..." via 'neoliberalism PFI etc etc and to think that Andy Pandy will UNThatch their house when ALL the English care about is the price of their house.... is more absurdist than splendid Alexei ..
BUt of course he never properly attempted to take part
Even the dilettante Italians managed to spawn the superb Beppe Grillo who turned his fine comedy into real votes! and became de facto Italian PM even if he couldnt actually sit in the chair due to a rather mixed up earlier little matter of 'manslaughter'... nevertheless he was the ONLY force for change that did the few sane Italians left say " it did more good than bad... he made us think more laterally about our society and politics when nobody else had managed that for decades.."
Alexei just uses you for cheap clicks...
Never ever ever trust a scouser... ever.
45 years ago i knew that.... never. Not one...ever... unless they entirely 100% renounce the place when young just users and thieves... and never go back...
And even could in fact write a real book based on fact (in my sick brother's sick little bedroom) about how their most famous 'son' just used his own for fake self pity and monetised his fake love when he never even bothered to get him over in one of the hundreds of private learjets he could have afforded to buy...
Which has nothing to do with me, as as a youngster age 10 with an old perfect so loving and gentle giant yeoman Ralph Ellis - my 100% caring mentoring father as him and i toiled on the land building fences and recreating old disused fabulous veg gardens - and digging that much in 18" the hardest job of em all..over several acres all by hand... i orphaned myself forever from their whole vile house of bent cards...
anyway.. " you can write..." but living on the edge day in and out often takes away from the poise and grace needed so as to just laugh at them all - never take one eveil act to heart ever...
Which will only come out in somewhat trippyish sort of Thomas Bernhard or Herb BAtesian kind of wistful stuff..
I can do... it has to 'come' and does sometimes when aside unconcerned and walking or sometimes alone at dawn...
but then i have so much of that to jot it down has become a pain in tehn arse and i need to get out whats already jotted for 16 years...
a lot of it even in 'private' letters they thought were me to them...
nope wrong
In fact me to YOU...my readers here there everywhere
Though of course often one may wish to anonymise or just change it a bit so as to not have the pain in the arse of some silly wanker thinking its about him or her... and attempting to deny exactly which fabulously interesting hidden wanker they were...
Or an exact copy of every word...
But best of all, three years... "yasmin tart... look i know you have got your shiny new arts degree... and could rip off the tourists for three grand for really not very interesting decadent artworks... but i know you can WRITE...and also that pictorial art is limited in saying what youTOO want to say about the world she has inherited...all of it...[ we are exactly in sync, shame about her tunnelling hobbit her dad] .. i think only writing and stories can do it even if youre as good as the ferkin Mona Lisa.... at self portrait... write.. chuck away your brushes...w.rite..and also WHEN you have podded it changes...you realise you MUST take it seriously as its for her.... no longer for you... if you actually love it, and only do BEST BANG FOR Buck as its urgent.... what will make the most difference as urgently as possible.."
and a week ago, funny how dad is always right even regarding the most stubborn of all - in a good way, most healthily esteemed woman, who has lived a life...
" ive realised...yes... pictorial art is so limited and just cant do what we need done...and have started just writing again... "
And i am so poor from 22 years attempting to write something that may just make one jot of difference...
i can't even afford to send it a birthday card...
But i wouldnt have it any other way... or ... that WAS the case...
when one knows exactly no conceivable way one could be diverted how one wishes and needs to spend every second of life left... due even a few terribly diverting fakes even this year and my radar is utterly extra sensory perception attuned to all of them....
i shall not even be able to afford a grand to get my snail shell on the road another year...
But their dull little stories even if UNIVERSAL stories of your only sick society, , will be so far along the conveyor belt of stories so many to trot out... ..maybe i wont even get to them....
who knows
