Thursday 24 June 2021

And on this waffler

 I dislike the online world. Mainly because the medium is poor for actually taking in any feeling or information. A paper book is always so more soul-connecting. I do not mean that in any hippy way, as a reader of paper books, still passages and themes i went to bed with or sat at my river with spring 2020 still are very much alive within. That never seems to happen with anything encountered in this medium.

But worse, this Facebook and other forms of  advert for the self. Well for 7 years I have been a rather busy at times (i hate this word as it has been stolen by frankly people playing at it for their advert) 'activist'  - better put simply attempting to take forward several causes. Firstly my first concern always, really healthy ecosystems; which then transmogrified into wandering around far and wide (confluence of four just possibly swingy constituencies) seeking allies in any obviously necessary pro EU street-corner politicking. Which also included befriending farmers and others who may have something useful to say about all that. Greens all became overtly pro EU as of 2016. Mind you it is the 'overt' that is the problem. UKIP were going around registering folk in the regional old folks homes " aww sweetie... on the day shall we come and give you a lift down to the booth... and maybe you will need help remembering which of the two boxes to tick.." No problem with that - been gong on forever. None of hundreds of aparently very online active folk ranting about Farage and co., EVER ever followed through 100s of conversations from early 2016 inviting them to gather and consider how 'we' may indeed do something standard and straightforward in respect of dull footleather politicks. Indeed only one stupendously brave woman in my area stuck a big pro EU sign on the road outsode her local farm.

Exasperation - and this IS why we lost Europe. Sorry, my region - 30 mile radius, it was possible and several constits were obviously open to strategic voting. That two red tribes - i knew well, were on the streetcorners begging for votes on the day before the election 2019 and were manned by confirmed internationalist and complete Europeans, WHEN... Brecon and Radnorshire had only a few months back turned yellow again, and thus 'splitting the vote' is WHY  - egos... mad self reverence, the EU was lost. My only controversial phrase, or rather streetcorner preacher open statement,  for years has been that as of early 2020 i shared with all and sundry "Boris deserved his victory..". As a leftie I know this is true because i know almost every egalitarian greenish feministish person for miles, and not one did a thing. And rarely even answered a polite email. And anyway i partly hid behind about the most pukka slight politico for many miles - a man who has letters after his name and runs a small superbly scientific showhouse on sustainable low energy housing who also regularly enough is called into Whitehall and to the Lords, in a non partisan role simply speaking on the best available modern environmental and energy science. His name was often used as invitation as his residence could be lovely base even if for  a cuppa.

Complete and utter acedia everywhere... every claim under the sun to care - especially on their facebooks; hardly even a polite change of mind "sorry.... thought about our chat, i don't really even have the half day spare to follow through and have that cuppa...if things change i shall be back in touch"

 For much of the last seven years all y soul went into all of that. However...

The one aspect of that or 'this' i so decry is assumption. I can understand wariness and even 'fear' because even in my rural hinterlands yes it is noticeable for  15 or so years that there certainly are even here people on the edge. I can see in the face of someone their gobbling of anti-psychotics. I have had my own almost 'stalkers' - the first one a chap around 15 years ago in Hay-on-Wye i had never met, knew nothing of, who started to always pay a lot of attention to me in the street. Few years on i saw the tragedy of his life veer into getting very chubby and more placid (and forget i existed) as someone mentioned he had been put  onto strong medication.

And I living near a decade living in a far far less intense and theoretically healthy and balanced smaller region - a few miles between several very small towns,  it shocks me that it is obvious a range of people with quite serious 'mental health' isuues can be seen around and about. Another of the regional ranty-lost i saw pick on a woman i happened to have a rare coffee in a cafe with a few years ago. And every time he sees me - i live nearly middle of nowhere, he gets really aggressive and tells me of what he wishes to do to her. And he is scary. ANd he is even seemingly quite imbedded in the community.

Back to online - i do know one thing, so so many roll themselves out in one form or other - last year so interesting, i would sometimes after a full day out walking and cycling from glorious late March 2020, just for curiosity have a nose at what babysunshineyogagodess was up to - theyre all 55ish and have husbands making shed loads of dosh likely from dodgy big pharma contracts or the like, and are all very good at camera angles and makeup... because spying said babygoddess in the street weeks later she really looks far more buggered than her cheery yoga vids would suggest.

And that is in fact all i care about. I am constant. I have been constant for 20 years. Up at 05:10 every day always with an actual sunny smile on my gob. I never lose it. Unflappable. There have only been about 20 days (excepting #1 baptism 2003) i even have a weight on my soul such that i cannot keep it up... the it being same plodding through a bit of correspondence a bit of writing a bit of this and that and then always from mid morning plodding through my beloved outdoor and animal focused chores and then three or four times a week a three hour wander up to the hills nearby. 

And last year oh what a glorious year....forget the frauds of brexit, my side... forget everything.... and then as half a dozen can testify, completely unflappable emergency informal social work to 4 or 5 in a true mess. (hint no one listens any more to even quite standard solutions - NA /  help getting to places of abstinence). I never ever panic nor am bothered by any of your crises.  And never ever ever react to any attack or even considerable upset. Oh i aint no robot and the true tragedies pray on my soul for days at least - one for 11 years...daily.... but learning or in fact just being - to my own surprise i did not need to learn, gradually this became; existing with the harder things inside, with dignity if we must and not ever allowing them to cause any angst never mind act out any angst is me. And everyone assumes otherwise.

One interesting thing is that in 'society' the range of frankly unlawful slanders* i notice has changed.   A decade ago the usual suspects - generally incomers from cities who were university educated and sometimes are seen reading a Guardian, would make the medical slander of stating "oh s/he's a bit bipolar..."  when they cannot possibly have seen that persons medical record. But it gradually changed and in fact i don't think i have heard any such slanderous nutjob statement for some years, because it changed to "s'/he's a bit on the spectrum... Asbeee .." or whatever.

As i said to my friend (mentioned above) of late: "dyer know what i simply am so sick to death of mainly females it has to be said last decade ... in fact first one i encountered was 2009.... as they all do with you as i have mentioned...intimate or otherwise smugly throw into conversation at some point how one may be a bit Aspergers or the like.... when i wa sin my 20s every single even dinosaur bigot racist pig knew there was a line - we do not go UNDER the skin and suggest anything medical....spaz as we knew was even a slightly funny insult never ever actually referring to the body below the skin....  but it seems that almost all the educated believe they are good at what as a science reader i know are extremely dificult lines of maybe-condition.... i think i shall campaign for a law that makes it unlawful to refer to someones medical status unless they have met your doctor and had a jolly good long consultation.... because IT DESTROYED the green and progressive side... how can one have a cuppa with someone who seems hell bent on discovering some hidden spectrum to you when they are so thick they cannot even read basic genetics never mind propper advanced science and philosophy of...time and again they are more concerned with labelling you exactly on some spectrum than labelling you the very best ecoscientist for miles and then supporting you propper...i have just had enough.....and they even try it on me just now and again ..its always 'partial' ...maybe  a'bit. ...i mean fuck off i survived head held high all sorts of nuclear bombs and abysses.... my memory perfect every day at 05:10... pronises to email x or y never ever forgotten....fabulously organised non OCD to-do lists so i can get work done quickly and super efficiently so as to be off walking by the afternoon..... unlike CND up there in othertown disgrace how i put my younger mentoree into them as superb example of brave woman ....and they never even bothered to reply to her emails probably lost never lose anything.... right, NEW LORE: it should be illegal to refer to anyones medical under the skin status... period....and those too weve known they exist since we were about...3 .... I really care about all this, that doesn't matter as i care so much i know i lost so will leave uk when i can.... but all that DID totally destroy fellowship and solidarity in quite healthy and balanced egalitarian and  green cause work i dedicated all my last 7 years to once more.... and all you get is their ignorant little assumtions and remarks.... when they dont even KNOW you..... you know me pain in arse how totally organised always i am and also how good my quiet personalised nuclear rhetoric became as you hate cos you jealous.. you still the best scientist thos sweetie.... sorry i can't find a wife for you all those bloody women who should help with that - they used to when they used to be sane its a standard responsibility in a 'community' they all brag of online.... nope they damn you as you know i have tried for years...i give up...."

" yes but one hypocrisy problem there.... isn't your thing Voltairean freedom of speech almost always...?" 

"oh bugger him again...yergot me ... .. and they with all their nonsense make me forget who i am ..

"....and learned why to be, always.. anyway at least you know i wasnt speakin fuckin literally very good for all the autism they accuse you of behind your back....  would make a good sketch though....oh why didnt Narin reply to her email.. she used to...she ace London cutting edge comedian even emailed me i could make her laugh..... ...she's the only one who could do it.... making these green women laugh is the only possible way through their cant and vanity and pandemic of self regard ...that has totally destroyed our movement.... "

I am open to any test indeed have made sure i have a long line who know a fair bit about my behaviour even the last 15 months and know i am totally constant...  totally...always.and one knows that i live with true tragedy and how constant and genuinee laughter orientated i am even with little abyssses to tippy toe over .... and even more ....whats the word for symptoms (i never think of my body i use it healthily thats all that matters) symptoms ... it is now known around and my abouts that i am the only one DOING community stuff  - that ramped up last summer.... really HARD and quite risky community stuff - battling dangerous high Thatcherites on communal property affordable housing stuff.... no one else did a fig....i DID stuff ...and it sort of worked  abit...and did think for a few years from 20165 they may well really really hurt me...after all everyone always says if they meet me in the queu "saw you trundling along on your [old] bike the other day..."

The gloriousness of 2020 is that at last one may be licensed a little more to speak truths (i shall roll out my true friend one day) "Jax...look you know you alone i totally adore with yer dad and hubby tattoed on knuckles.... open discussions in yer charity shop of your labia ...with snaps... and i want you to live forever ... but these extra two stone even you at last admit we have to try and do something about... we alone know that saying the bug may get the chubbies is for THEIR but especially YOUR own good...i value a few and even with freer speech on that subject, and they speak of doing something about it and i speak of i will help - free old bikes i have a few... best mate she runs real bootcamps and farmer so i can say anything to her... shes simply hilarious extremely rude jokes shes even had me.... she nukes me when i dont expect... they speak of coming for a walk or even a cycle and then never ever follow through....even quite good friends.... at least your gob always has a real smile on it... "

Any bugger ever assumes anything about me ever again i shall write a comedy sketch about them....and became quite good at that.

Anyway assuming makes an ass out of you and me some true wise woman said to me...  bt not me because i constantly do things that have real results ..sometimes difficult. ..balance is all that ever mattered. ANd sadly in UK one cannot trust any 'ally' ever to follow through.... so i am most happy if i am discharged of my responsibility to try and have some splendid F.O.S and other stuff material made cos no one ever sends a polite "hi ...thanks but not for me at present so no thanks .."email.... which used to be the definition of manners to me.   They don't even in this rural region where people generally are aware of you not being an axe murderer over the years and they state they care very very much about things like rivers and wildflowers...nope.... total dysfunction and dystopian dopiness everywhere. I am constant and in fact really do like my very very long days out walking of cycling and thus when i disappear off some online whatever it is not because i am having a post-mania breakdown after saying to the world  "wow i am so groovy.." its only because i am groovy because i hardly ever do anything online and hate every second of it (though do love writing  - being in the zone i can do..)  because of all the fakers and assuming and anyway am groovy because a reverted to doing a lot by handwriting and dictaphone ...  no one reads much online...and this this is an absurdist work of performance art  and thats fine too. I do not care. But always say what i mean and mean what i say.

This must be done...there are multitudes....or reasons long long pondered..

.....oh yes and i consult with a few fine minds - or finish...have for years.... they agree too. And have provided testimonial to exactly  that very deeply debated conclusion.