See main home page on this site and the other site (giveittothe....... - only some get that link - i have silly detractors..) for more specific gender reasons it is timely; are we allowed to say "sexual politics" any more? why it's good for everyone to deal with all this. Especially those care about either sex getting a black eye or worse..
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
slight SOS just for fun... but rather real. even if this isn't my writing person personal persona, because do elsewhere. What is a name. Especially the nonsense they try and tag you with. And incognito had its uses once...
(bottom of this page why good journalism matters ..and who a few are.. careful, Slavenca's book.. could be about anywhere.. that's why she wrote it)
I have never had anything ever into any online begging bowl.
In fact never advertised one. Had one but never ever big it up...and in fact had even forgotten what the necessarily new Paypal account was called.... until i looked it up today.
Written from a layby in Mid Wales once again stranded for a while - no juice in an old car battery...maybe someone will come by with jump leads and a loaf of bread, who knows
personal circs (the great thing about 2020 - no leftie commentariat can ever relate: no SHAME any more...wonderful! prior 2020 if on the bread line - sometimes behind with rent or other obligations the shame would twist one up a little like a hangmans rope ....... but as from 2020 i love getting calls from my once credit card companies (funded me to the 'max out' as they say 2019... VERY busy...humble needs like busfares and food only.... and inner tubes... 5000 miles cycled on duty..)
" hi... nice to chat... along with millions of others not a bean.... sorry, did my best blahh blahh..can't afford the bankrupcy fees...when i can i will call you... whats your name you sound nice.." of course these days one can do that with girls and boys....so as to ensure they never call you back which they dont if you tell them the FULLEST possible story... as for council tax arrears - well that's another world - with many a hall of mirrors within - such a hilarious close call to - yes to, the bailiffs autumn last year)
late 2014 for three years - until that point blessed with brilliant health always - earned from many a mile walking every week, weird random some kind of bug - sort of autoimunish menangitisish... such is life. Medical science could not help. One got bored of " so have you had an AIDS test.." Why don't they consult your notes first? had one first time went to doc... almost every test known to man - or the very ordinary ones who run local NHS and lose your results...
Three years done in, unable to work. So be it.
Rev up in 2018 as recovering (double the rate of walking that does it...probably? - there is a whole volume of Proust in that "probably")
However... young woman subject of (well of course she wasn't, she just randomly existed within a certain person's rather sick orbit... a male by the way - who drove this against me from 2002 - i never met him despite polite requests it may be a good thing...its called being human....but he ...well no accounting for folk, who didn't like my progressive, brown-people-positive type attitudes.. who would at times be invited to mine and my lasses table...funny how some folk still think that skin colour may be infectiousor worse )
Forget him. He wont even get a footnote...
Young woman, i say in shortcut language who "is Europe" if anyone is she is. Dad working for the EU (aerial mapping Poland in 1997 in preparation for their joining the EU..) when other half encountered, etc..
So by mid 2018. Even if recovering, all....absolutely every atom of mental energy, had to be diverted to figuring if there was any further democratic visitation of the 2016 vote.... how on earth can one harvest or make allies to harvest the odd vote... 4 slightly swingish constituencies around where i have lived. Every single bit of energy, spare cash, spare calorie ...everything into attempting to make allies...on the same page... even if just leafletting "come the day" ... speaking with farmers etc etc...and my whole region was in a stuck rabbit in headlights mode.
So, in short, no way i could get my head into trying to do something with this... or anything else. Irrespective of my wish... Brexit hurt the only one i love...
January 2020 even if as also a rather good 'chronicler' though i say it myself i was on the eve of official BREXIT deliberately in a very Brexity town - Leominster ...just having chats..sussing out who thought what.... i even found a unique wonderful woman in her hardware shop who was enraged, her whole ( 'working class') clan ..a bit Le Pennish ... had en mass supported their Nigel but she was enraged - "we woz lied to !!"..my she ,eany it...if any woman can be believed from what they say with their eyes fiercely swivelling around and lit up.....so i think i could believe her .... I recorded for posterity our interaction. My chronicles are good. Extremely thorough (main baddie, my own side - so so so many chats about what could be done and no one ever ever followed anything through...oh my god the frain in that ....week in and out... interest then blanking... ghosting in new fangled language and when discussing The Enightenement - what Europe represented, one speaks only politely)
As i explained in person to AC Grayling in a great 45 min person to person chat.. (having approached him to gush at his Oxford Union talk i had listened to early in 2019 - i then showed it to many, on both sides, as it was pure legal analysis...) . he didn't accuse me of being arsey - like me i guess he venerates the 'truth' more than opinion.
XX see pic below...
So, having completely accepted BREXIT by 1 Feb 2020 - i did all i could... which is the key to failure - you do your best in which case it feels ok. Fait Accompli is a great thing.
Four or five years, back of my mind: i so rarely see positive REAL tales of giving it to the man...all the way...NO MOANING... chin up, "fuck that last stale pack of crackers was disgusting ...only thing left in the cabinet... oh well something will come up...ahh i can just about feel the effect of the much needed ten calories clicking in... right, one hour of senescence...[hunger effects your mind first - dulls it...many a time had that self experiment ] what can i do with this hour? see what we can... sell, hustle...etc... "
Anyway revving up... desk totally clear early 2020.... time to maybe try and get some new interest in making some extravaganza on this stuff... first journalist i ever met, very oldtimer TV man Graham Essenigh said eye to eye...his kind and real..." wow... all the ingredients of a great film, movement, travel, abysses of despair... sweet smelling [lost to cancer a few years later] so adored gaol-visiting Portuguese fiancees..[no one knows about her....nor did he...]. and all sorts of classis blockbuster ingredients... ..."
Plus, over the years what with ten years of Tories, Brexit, etc and loosely studying the way the 'demos' works in reality, a sure fire knowledge that the lot of them, from 'Anonymous' to Extinction Rebellion never mind the brexiteers threatening blood in the streets ... all of that is rather hot air. Anyway governments eventually supress all such civil 'disobedience'. And thus fighting - in any field of fighting, almost always does have a a tremendously dull long chip-away at you ... legal process. IN America wider society seems to accept this. Maybe they all watched Erin ? I don't go for dolly birds as we used to say but Julia bless er she did more good than bad for sure.... doing more good than bad in life maybe that's the meaning of it... the 'good life'...
'Sexing up' (hated phrase) , bringing to life - just getting a bit of joie de vivre into dull fights with the administration... (or your own side, even if Brexit or Green mad messianic preaching - i am very green... they arent....see below to be finished tomorrow sunday ). Simple, in one short sentence, that diligently going to law, regrettably is very necessary at times. So don't let it kill you... be a human even against the inhumanity....
Once in you life maybe just once take a stand...fight your corner...n (my nbew slogan see the other website ...only some have that new name...others cannot yet be trusted so only get this one..) but it may take years off or out of your life....so be it. It's worth it... you do learn so so much in time...
Anyway revving up March 2020 i sent out a few emails to 'gatekeepers' - the word i use for the whole class of agenty publisher media types... need a champion or two; "letter of intent" perhaps in old fashioned parlance. Timely tale to tell... that was never fully told and much misinterpreted
I do know - because i have searched high and low 7 or 8 years in the world of film - arthouse and traditional, that there is almost nothing that's really energising. I know this tale is. I also know how to ensure it would be... and exactly how to handle ANY media fil luvvie type... unfortunately having had far more experience of these folk than ever ever intended..
And that is what i felt i may have a 'responsibility' to try and push out...
So. desk cleared of everything ... ready for action... i do know in life (as in 2005/6) you have to reach a point of no return by just DOING it... despite your reservations or even better judgement. Just set course and burn the bridge or quay... of course being a control freak live every single other Brit .. in recovery ... you know you will manage it such that you will keep that quay intact...but there comes a day (today) ....when you kjust have to stop being yourself thatself...it never works like that... you have to become other...get yourself out of the way..
And then the world stops....March 20020.. i have a personal policy of just winging out emails and just like in days of yore - snail mail, maybe allow two or three weeks before one considers the letter unlikely to receive any reply... couple of weeks after first few emails out to publisher types... friggin world stops. SO be it, no comment... hahh hahh....
Wonderful examples in the interim of how radio 4 type commentariat are in the main all liars - so you, the individual, better be ready to stand up maybe just one in life:
rents went up MAy 2020 when we were all meant to be ' in it together'... by highest ever proportion. Delightful... (50% i am now told in respect of extremely old and so damp it was great danger to the 'health' property i had lived 8 years... )
Never mind... rev up a year later .. but then gentrification sweeps.... the so called in it togerher society bullshit property prices rents escalate... long knew they would anyway (after brexit - white flight as they all it..started 2018ish... supercharged late 2020 )
More important in fact brexit had simply evaporated much local work 2019. As if everyone went on hold (my money work sort of discretionary spend outbuilding and paddock fencing repairs/ renovations i used to love.....until everyone went mad and thought April 2020 outdoor work should be suspended due... they would catch a bug off a butterfly alighting on them in their garden having alighted on their worker first....one small problem with that 0.9999% butterfly effect chance...it would have to find their garden a mile away as they didn't even live in the same street as the main sheds i was doing up.... in all that glorious weather of April to June 2020.....neurotic mad second homers.... * footnote in a bit )
moan moan, not at all... wonderful refreshing just 'give up' 2020 .. new energy..never been fitter... time to walk nothing much else to do except do some genuinely useful 'social work' in my region a fair few in a terrible mess. Real people knew i alone was doing that... unpaid. in dsanger at times...not from bugs but in fact violent girl and boyfrienbds...
Anyway autumn 2021 long looming not viable at all any more to live in my region solo ... unless on sickness benefit they all go on... (faking symptoms or trapped in partial symptoms and making it sound worse if ever asked )...sick benefit the scandal of the uk in that people are forced to go it to keep their rent money housing benefit trickling in ... safest guarantee.. especially as rents go through the roof....even if you know you aren't really totally disabled...too risky to take on work as you fall out of that system..and having done a fair bit of free citizens advice to those grappling with that system my my i don't blame them..Kafka on very strong mind bending drugs...* see below for the solution...sort of.... )
oh yes...gentrification and morons going on radio 4 especially the priests they have at dawn speaking about coming together......some New Jerusalem spring 2020 society ...just around the corner if not already here.... (then) ehh its incredible the amount of Londoners who arrived in the area and have bought two houses, together..(their net worth bolstered of course by oligarchs causing London inflation) .one to live in and one to rent out at as close to London rates as they can get to some local NHS worker ... who will have to be even more overworked to pay the rent...
(page break...no not really but SUCH an interesting break as i started to jot this about 9 am sat in a layby - very nice one in the sun...battery flat... stuck...nothing to eat... i eat a lot thats not good for me...)
Anyway to the point, yes... hard to put into words and in fact not really part of the matters 2003-6...
Often, not always, but more often than one may assume, if one somehow 'lets go' - and that sure is a hard phrase to really share... define even if the fake hocus pocus sellers are obsessed with knowing how to define it...nope...very hard.... then new thought or words just come to you... (just now, 17 years later god i really am thick) or,
also... there are times, December 2008 very good example... 28 December half way through the day young'un swaps houses (one fixed tradition it being birthday day) ..
Back home. Had been told Jack Straw named my law in parliament a few weeks earlier - deliberately timed as he knew only parents would be kindof interested and parents are going to be silly busy with Christmas and holidays coming up... precision timed in fact just near enough to the big day, but far enough away such that it wont even be 'news' if anyone picks up his 'hoodwink' after Christmas...
As only i did...or didn't at first, knowing better to think about him as it would ost me money and i had none...:
" bastard ...NO EFFECT ON ME AT ALL !!!!! but he goes and speaks of reversing my law... by name... i couldn't give a toss but knew how useless everyone else was at understanding the principles now... about 100 quid to my name until ... next Working Tax Credit day... assuming that keeps trickling in... if i divert myself into fighting ....and these fights take months...gonna be six months minimum... i will utterly bankrupt self such that i shall have to dip into ringfenced housing allowance [ 5 or 6 mil get in overpriced uk no one talks about the real drain on the treasury) and that is lethal.... there lies doom....
" oh toss a coin... of course i should but why bother...."
Now the thing is that once committed "Dear Frances and Camilla have you noted Jack Straw is a ferkin liar..in Parliament hoodwinking..... " ...(see 2008/9 page above) if you really really are up against it - in that case just financially not a bean to spare... so that many a week it was " [no exaggeration] hmmm... petrol required ... 9 quid maybe two school runs... five grub...when lass at other house no school runs can cut back grub to 75 p a a day a week... for gods sake remember to put a few quid of petrol in jerry can so that you always KNOW that there is two quid of fuel spare just enough to get home is Miss Calculated....or dont know exactly where the line is on your fuelguage red line that really is the red line...."
Being in that mode - you can only really survive it 3 or 4 weeks as its exhausting and i am tough.... but it sure sure sharpens up the wit and rate of typing emails dead fast and sometimes coming up with quite good new points....but moreso you know: so little time... GO ALL THE WAY... you will only have one shot... as in a few weeks your aim will be off as your eyesight blurry from malnutrition...
Talk about moral compasses though. That one day February 2009. A few weeks into absolutely living and driving on fumes. Stopping off at the Glasbury garage for the next few days fuel in a can. Last twenty quid in the world in the wallet. twelve quid of fuel will get through the last few days of my week with lass with me and keep the two in the can... ...and school runs. Oh well we will have to bbq one of the bunnies tonight on the quiet as the change i have to keep for all of next week busy with writing to dumb journos like Camilla who cannot read despite ending up in the Lords...
she wont notice perhaps if its in a stew...remeber to remove the ears just in case she isnt so hungry she wolfs it all down unexamined...
Newish young women at the till...
And you get in your change a tenner instead of the fiver expecting with some pounds.. . Not even noticed until later - there is a sort of slightly ashamed manoeuvre the ultra poor do grabbing the change quickly ..
"ooops... wow...heaven ! but....oops... they will think she stole from her till!!!
"what do i do... ??"
that extra fiver really is like ehh i can eat a bit better...
But she hasnt worked there long and.... she wont know it was me ...busyish time of day... half an hour ago...
which sharpens you up even more. I ended up murdering all the many bunnies back home and selling them to the butcher to pay her back a week later he jests...
The point i have no idea what the rules are but something sometimes turns up - not a free fiver as that was just a moral compass story about a fiver that had to of course be returned a week later... and as long as you dont hope for too much being on the edge removes choice which i wonder if its a good thing: do it....do it all the way... dont be coy or hang about you cannot afford the luxury of too much time being Machiavelli... be real...not out of a book... FIND the new way to be new real if you can or just get out of the way of him coming down the stairs to kick you in your pants...
But there are no fairies or godesses or if there are their 'magic' is extremely weak... rather pathetic in my opinion.
But then there is 'letting go' ..my what a hard thing to describe. A many books behind her writer i heard a year ago speaking of "getting out of the way of the words". But I am not writing in any writerly way, I was simply say in my jalopy aside a fairly quiet road earlier battery flat as once again i cannot afford to put diesel in to charge the battery...and phone if i need to call recovery...or laptop...
" give up... either use last bit of charge to phone up someone maybe can tow start me... or... fuckit write a page to put up here - this... FST ...dont ponder or think just type as FAST as possible and maybe it may make sense...and if it doesnt, well it is REAL.... "
And the words sort of flow.... ok no big deal....
Two hours later sat alone for two hours jotting and fretting a bit... though never very much... last charge in laptop going wander off to see if there is anyone at the farm not far away..maybe a tractor can tow start me.... god i hate to ask favours i am together.... no jabbering lost loon they always think you are... but no choice no charge left to call anyone not that i know anyone near here and those i do always so so busy... their so busy lives.... and as i walk down the road that seond...been there three hours .... the farmer literally drives up aside me...
ok a bit of a weird fairy coincidence... within a minute as my tow rope was already out on the off chance... towed into life... and harge the battery limping to the town...
Not that interesting.
and no plan to write this until i just thought last resort maybe i need to be a bit mendicant....no hope i dont do that never have really.... no one has ever put anything in my paypal ever... no idea if anyone ever does support anyone else in projects... maybe if i can just get ONE letter of intent or another email like that one last night from... someone with a NAME... A FIRST STAGE KICKSTARTER PAY SOME EXPENSES TO HUSTLE A BIT AND WRITE SOMETHING nice AND GRACEFUL AND PROOF READ IT...WHICH YOU NEED TIME FOR AND I HAVENT HAD ANY REALLY FOR MONTHS WHAT WITH mRS gENTRIFICATION sKIPPY BEING SO NASTY.... cos she enjoys it...
OOPS ACCIDENTAL CAPS NO TIME TO REMOVE....
But here is the thing....as smiley farmer is just about to pull me to a start ..." theres a knot in that need to get it out...wont undo once pulling you off..." " ahh yes i was slightly fretting... didnt notice.... mind elsewhere.." " no point fretting... " "totally right i dont usually... waste of energy.."
A thought arises.
Silly me.
Which is not about anything i couldnt give an f about silly things people say. Seems though that a few people decided to waste their winter lockdown with google... i have no idea why. And rte made up nonsense i have heard. Legally definable as very malicious..... I have had a few absurd comments the last year. Strange when 5 or 6 people know i have spent a fair bit of 2020... 2nd half into summer 21 kindof doing useful stuff for folk in a mess...and kids... all smiles all success.. everyone else sulking....
But yes a thought arises out of the swamp of their assumptions i left behind long ago for uplit mountains...
" hahh hahhh.. why didnt i think of that years ago.... You really really would have to have a LOT of multiple personality disorders to have taken a matter FOR publicity forward as publicly as humanly possible in the courts, when the rules said no mention in any public arena ... if you had anything whatsoever to feel guilty about...
.. i mean its obvious when you are treated to the top judges .. with fanfare "yes lets have a jolly old big gran finale test case on this matter" that its going to get in the press.... especially as the moment that was uttered you knew you had won even if Ian dyeing gave an extra bit of emotional blackmail material on Wall and co just in case...
"even you lot loved Ian who died last week cos of your shitty system ... he fought to help folk fight... this is dedicated to his hardly even rotting corpse..he was due to be with Esti and I here today sat next to us...and museums afterwards... "
And any legal matter in civil courts you can say 'stop' any second you want and it just stops......even at last second..
Anyway yes... i have a sort of showcase even if packed away. (photos below)
Nine months ago knowing no way can one keep up with these gentrification rents anyway damp hovel... better pack away 25 years of household until can figure what next...
And really.. decade ago it was time to burn this lot....
actually good i didnt ... because time heals and then you can go back and read the truly horrid stuff that does in fact traumatise... oh yes one piece of paper 2002 ...late that year.
I even kept my jacket used only for one purpose...
Now all I know in life is you only meet a few great people. He was number one. Even met again in 1997 a crippled man, his knees "gone..lad..gone.." living in upstairs flat with blind wife. And him ONLY an outdoorsman... could no longer even tend his own windowbox...
But between them not one smallest complaint or bit of pity or moaning.... only brtight eyes... no furrowed brows
And i don't moan even if i felt long time guilty at not being able to afford to go to his funeral a year or so after 3 years wasting every penny on fuckingwell photocopying all of those papers about triplicate times for their dumb laws they were too thick to interpret for themselves - especially Cobb QC the extremely highly paid boss of the 'Family Justice review' or whatever nonsense...my my one day i shall really enjoy publishing the email from him....
Because in fact 2018 recovering just from 3 years fuckeration by a clever bug... hottest day of the year according to the towny neurotics who do the weather ... i got on my very old sit up and beg and near killed myself cycling 80 or so miles up into Snowdonia to at last get to his grave.... 20 hrs non stop...
And nearly killing yourself for real....my my that last pass. Even if at the top of it was awaiting the slightly ....oh whats the word for misty eyed from age ... better not say it as my my the crap they accuse you of just telling truth ... total heartthrob i had to leave the country my heart was so throbbing last time seen ...not seen for 36 years (brought 'together' by accident on a pro JC search...vey common name) ...anyway digression except to say "law!"...irrelevant. i never seen a senior many year state registered nurse guzzle so much very strong pot.. untroubled by any law or test it seems..... it takes its effect..
Nothing to do with me but law and UK are very curious places...
But to see his grave so untended...woodland of course under a tree... but so overgrown. He had a son...what had gone wrong?
But then the sensuousness the perfection in so long thinking that i had failed him (not my fault i have no shame..) and at last getting there - and for real near fainting with exertion atop a high pass.... to get there to see him...made every single moronic aggressive piece of paper in the pile worthwhile...
I digress.
One small extra digression at the bottom an optional read as probably no one will get it.
2020...and on.
Zero interest to me except people start to lie about being interested in 'rights' and freedoms... measured middle aged people some long known some only recently...
Because i know one thing you have to be prepared to pay the price to stick your head above the trenches..
And in rural areas like mine there is a different price (this is what Hay-on-Wye did i could write a book on THAT!..)
Not frighten the horses... don't frighten the horses...
All the 'middle class' who arrive with their colour supplement attitudes and need for image and a certain aesthetic... that is pretending to care about books... theme park...i think i have only met one who actually does ... last autumn.... .. and they will speak in certain terms about justice and rights though using those words is far too horse frightening for them so it is in 'softer' tones....
and not one ever ever does ANYthing...(why their wye was nationally famous 2020 for going toxic) never...
Anyway ... it is so so so dull hearing those softer tones knowing that none understand reality and all are frightened of it...so one worries for their children. Because when things get tougher as looks like they will, the next generation are going to have to have some idea of what the actual response needs to be. Administrations play endless games with you so prepare.... tighten the belt... but find SOME fun in the fight or they will eat you alive...
Forgetting entirely the bug and F.O.S... a dead end - i know when a certain attitude wins.
I should never have mentioned it. even in...
https://homelesscommunistwillvotetory.blogspot.com/
But here is a far far
far better example ..
So all my adult life there are only a few journalists i properly respect even if none are perfect - all journalists have a slant ... you only have to watch Spectator TV to know that.... i do i listen to both sides... though not that much any more as NO ONE had anything wise to say in 2020...i looked.
Torygraph long known best for raw data facts... (I knew the Asil Ad It Off to quote the Sun...story. a friend was in on it...pilot.....Torygraph by far the best journalism on that one - way better on facts than anyone else...
Anyway Tariq Ali. Pilger J... beacons.... but as i am a sexist pig man which we all are these days according to everyone i forget the best BOOKS...
ok first equal with TA and JP... Slavenca Drakulic TheyWould Never Hurt A Fly should be compulsory reading for everyone
And Ansne and her https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/673659.A_Hundred_and_One_Days
magnificent i have my copy in my jalopy as i speak...
Now Gelhorn, Hersh (se below), Fisk ... i have dipped into over the years but I am just slightly offput - almost their character gets in the way... just a little too much about 'them' for me... maybe i am being an arsehole i dont know.
So as Syria got underway we just didn't know what to say but when the chemical weapons were spoken of - supposedly film of aftermath... i had a nose around...
.... and eventually saw the Hersh piece - and film he made at the chemical weapon atrocity site.. and i like my true journalism if any can ever be entirely true...
I tended to think i believed |Hersh ... not the sort of person to be suffering mass formation nuttiness or conspiracy theories... his version suggesting not necessarily an Assad event at all. Or no real direct evidence of anyone specifically...and it seemed he tried his best very thoroughly ..
SO along comes Ukraine.... wait a few weeks for some sense to start coming out and about 2 weeks in i dial up the only younger journalist i trust - he seems to love his actual facts ... in fact i dont like the presentation - all a bit hurried and almost USA showy style ..
which says something...positive...as i like quiet and considered...
in that still every now and again anything big happening i would have a look at what Going Underground were making of it which is 100% Afshin i believe
And what do you know in his show i had dialled up three weeks ago roughly he has a Russian woman minister on his videochat who he is REALLY giving a very very hard time...
Hmmm...
(i have never heard any stories about Russia on RT.com)
Anyway a few days later RT is nuked off the internet overnight ... looks like forever...
except Odessey
I give up.... to the next generation a certain new age of bully censorship won. Me Simon C i know when you have to give up even THINKING about what is happening now... so just keep focused on one good story to try and roll out. This.... may help the next generation realise fighting is something that you never know when you may have to...blah blah...
DID I SAY... what 'guilty' person goes and makes sure he gets a ton more press....? well maybe OJ ...not even he really sought lots of limelight if my memory serves...
ALl i know is that we all do bad stuff and all its about is less bad stuff in your pile of files than good stuff.... thats the person who goes and makes sure he can tell the tales...not that i ever haver in full. Nor ever will. Because that way others warped sad lost existences win out...
so back to Afshin.
Having a look just now to consider making a reference....
So they have deleted the youtube pieces by Hersh !!!
That really really is..... not my problem but THIS generation of young wannabe democrats really do have a bit of a weird thing they are going to have to deal with
A Pulitzer winner being deplatformed... that really is a wonderful example even surprising me of a bit of a fight will be needed one day....maybe...perraps...
But not by me. My only job is simply providing a resource as to some tricks how to fight your own future fight...
I don't ever get paid for.
And thus far wouldn't have had it any other way.
Except now i am beginning to let someone down...even if superb excuse.
One rare favour done i am late in repaying as i cannot afford the diesel to pick up even that so so important large blue trunk....full of the cuddly toys...
So be it.
Who knows.
But i do know one thing as does she. You never know what silver lining comes along. But all this tangenting not by me.. the things i have heard of late " oh you had four years didnt you...." four and a half months in real time half time is as low as they go....
despite your own barrister being insane and on drugs...
Anyway i have zero interest on that...
All i do know - even if i will likely never properly know her is i met in the worst possible circumstances the one brave woman who somehow did make it all worthwhile.
I didn't tell her how in late 2017 in our eight hour solid chat i was so ill some of the time i was crawling and feared collapse in South America on my little mission of sort of mercy...
I didn't tell her as i didn't want to spoil meeting one true spirit....
"what do you do...?" ...fast forward to "i catch the money from the politicians..." to build an arts centre with her own hands that really s the real deal against the 'far right' and for the little people....
Millions.. "caught"
And i know she would catch a bit from the EU on behalf of this project...after all we didn't leave the ECHR and this was ECHR all the way....
Maybe the best example this century of what it could be used...for...
Far more interesting La Question Bertrand...
But even more interesting.... " so now after 4 years you allow some communication..... when i marry your passport ...to get my maroon one back.... well..."
A sense of humour combined with the ability to change ones mind. My business....
But the one question that matters.
I Daniel Blake.
Venerated by the left or the 'social democratic' types...
In my opinion it failed. It did not 'work'. myself despite a wonderful I Daniel tale, learned nothing from it. In fact despite the most extraordinary I Daniel moment i have forgotten the whole film more or less....except someone turned into a hooker...how predictable th3ere is always another way i think thats Loach using women Miss oh Jennycally...
But i do remember MY 'version' ..
... live...
..every moment...
And my theory is that this is what needs to be in a film.
Captain Fantastic a wonderful thing ... partly a give it to the man film and it is the moment where the family snatch the body ... the little girl the way she sums it all up at that moment laughter and tears....
And then the burning of the body. Pure genius art.
That lives within the viewer for years maybe decades.
Life affirming - stick up for yourself against the semi fascist bigots and administrators .... so wonderfully personified in the stepgrandfather (or grandfather i forget) figure with his huge televisions and fancy home...
My Daniel Bake would have found a way to make the folk laugh.
But theres a fight of course...
Personified in one i did not fight.... because there was first before the fight just love and laughter...
A year into my sick pay i got my papers: report for testing.
Now the best way when you know you are right and they are wrong is to delay ....
well in that situation at least. I feel constantly half dead so its morally wrong even get on the bus to be tested.
tick the box saying "audio tape record of examination required please"
quite extraordinary that one small tick can delay something nearly another year.... to spring 2016 ... ...
you turn up knowing that it will be a nightmare having actually watched the night before on a pirate channel I Daniel Blake that had been only just released.
Ushered into a dingy cheap little room G4s guards at the perimeter ...
soon enters a rather lovely woman. Few years younger... really lovely smile...extremely pleasant easy manner.... "hmmm... this isnt fair she is going to be my interrogator. maybe even fiddle with bits of me..like your executioner being off a good romantic movie with Julia Roberts in...oh well..."
Fast forward a bit....
" ehh i watched it last night ...have you yet?...oh by the way if you google me i did a bit of something in citizens rights..."
Doesn't faze but far more importantly she knew about the film and there wasn't a millisecond of opprobrium my way for the reference... indeed a lovely smile and i had already saID TO HER "AHH YOUR NAME BADGE mAXIMUS....DELIGHTFUL WAY OF OPRESSING THE CITIZEN..." ACC CAP. (lovely american coprorate name )
fast forward to...
her fast forward not working.
Her super expensive tape recording machine she is fiddling with.. "shucks i dont seem to be able to get it to work"
So, what does the sentenced man do, an honourable one perhaps offers to help reknit the hanging rope. ..." ohh i am good at fixing things let me have a go..." by now that room wAS A CHARADE... SHE DIDNT EVEN MIND ME PUTTING MY HAND ON HERS BY ACCIDENT...AS WE BOTH LANOEVURED HER BIG DEAD BOX...
ACCC CAP
Half an hour later our giggles getting noticeably gigglier.....
And something in the 'moment' that was as poetical as imaginable and the executioner knows full well we were giggling together and....
fast forward five minutes of her fast forward not working.
" so Simon what are we going to do.... you have the right to reject this investigation as even after all our kicking the damn thing and prodding with fingers... i think we can say it is a dead parrot....so what do you want to do..?"
sat looking into her dark deep eyes....
a long time....
" well.... hmmm... so having told you a bit of my life story you know i dont trust administrators....but i think you know i trust you... i cannot fake it and nor have you...i trust you totally...here say it into my recording device here i will i trist you trotally.... but..... i just dont know!! i mean if i reject this session it could be months more waiting... yawn.... but as we have spoken of at lenth the I Daniel Plot...
"hmm... i simply have to ask myself now what would Mr loach do..say.. think...?. me i trust you but maybe as its actually officially released today maybe i have to go by Loach rules...thats the poetry in this poetical moment.... "
fast forward 5 minutes of goodbyes....
"aww come on.... you know you wouldn't mind... lets go and watch t together tonight...or any night you chose you have my number ..and email..."
And i never ask anyone out for a date.
Fast forward a year. Of not meeting her again despite thinking of her very often. And so so close to writing a note in..
The Tribunal (without examination sadly)
natter natter " no we dont tape these proceedings..."
The doctor a lady of fifty something " i see your doctors notes say x y and z..... but
" you are sitting here very tanned and seem tanned... so ytou must be well....
" thats because darling i live in a hovel and in the winter its a very cold hovel and i have a suntrap and the chills continually due my invasion by this weird bug and i know science so sit in the sun getting some vitamin d even now in March ...prey tell me how come you are somehow entitled to speak so personally about me as if its some weird behaviour of mine wishing to try and dose myself with vitain d all the science states boosts immunity..?"
she was abusively rude and snide AND SO HOLIER THAN THOUGH " GOT THE BENEFIT THEIF DID YOU SEE """
ACC CAP..
Now... there are some battles you may chose not to fight - the complete and utter fatheaded and snide attitudes abound... never mind a little later by random accident something happens which causes one to walk far far more just to get away and miraculously your immune system seems boosted by that and a few weeks later has vanquished that bug... well almost
but she that snide doctor wasn't to know that...nor anyone else...
But my point.... the doom.. the only tragic version that Loach and others bring us. I just dont think it works.....
Not one thing in I Daniel made me want to fight or kick that awful frankly evil doctor of the panel by a counterattack... i could have done. After all there were witnesses assuming they wouldn't lie and one was a nearly judge...
Me i think yu have to weave in a bit of genuinely alive spirit to anything that works
Or the 'poignancy' it must be about as real and on the edge a as one can without it being anything ever to do with angst.
maybe i am wrong.... but i aint quite dead yet....
But i know of one person who is. In her head. Her soul...
And i know she will have only ever received one letter like mine. Fountain penned as well - i like them, i don't like writing like this.
meyer
Catherine Meyer, Baroness Meyer
not Miss Oh Jenny... yes we know there are a fair few more nasty old male white gits using the populous for their money games..farming their misery for their privatised gaols and whacky wards they know how to fill up... sneakily..
But i have to say it is surprising and rather depressing that the fewer females who have influence in public are (once they have stopped speaking about themselves in public) just as bad or in fact tragically usually just a bit worse at standing up for the simple sane society they purport to be far more custodians of. And that depresses me... and i don't use the word 'depresses' at all...
So... why be so nasty (so rarely by name)... and follows is what you call shooting yourself in the foot, any contemporary PR or agent would say...
Fifteenish years ago i bought a fantastic book. Of its time - a rather footstampy once semi famous white man witha tale to tell of how his whole life - money all property etc was gradually stolen from him following a divorce - endless very complicated financial hearings etc. He clearly was no angsty fighter. In fact like Sue Cameron's fabulously written book The Cheating Classes, it is a very scholarly well researched book laying out all the endless dull detain of how.....they..(you never really know who they are) gang up and drown you in paperwork endless hearings and actions... bit by bit they have it all...
Thing is he had to privately print it and I am quite sure 999 of his 1000 copies printed only ever sold to members of Families Need Fathers who advertised it on their website and in magazines for him...
And then there will have been the odd traitor from Fathers4justice who occasionally shopped at their 'rival'...
And if i ever got anything out, well one would assume organisations such as them and others similar would notice and put in a paragraph somewhere...
Likely lying too that they helped... get the law changed they had sort of called for ...
But here is the thing. Not one of these organisations are worth even website clicking on because i know something - from minor previous experience. And over the years sometimes 'monitoring' their positions.
None would ever think of the following. They cannot. They became like almost everyone else ONLY reactionary and saying what they think others want to hear them say to make them look 'good' for what they just say...
So quick version it is daft - i have the longform but when you only have 15 minutes of battery its a chore to get the external drive out and once again type the password...("will she be only ever forever now just a password?" ... thats The Wasteland in one line, updated...or was he a homo too i forget it gets so confusing these days.....)
Dated about 9 months ago if i recall,
Dear Baroness Meyer,
I heard you on wireless 4 some months ago speaking in The Lords about 'parental alienation' ... incidentally i hear no one can ever even define it any more, it was so simple we knew in about 1980 and my friends and i went to a really shit little comp... but we knew it then, anyone who does not always under all circs give a positive image/ narrative and vibration about another parent they may have become at odds with is committing parental alienation... even if one was perhaps speaking as Mrs Mussolini if there was one about their dad ... ( i cheated i never look anything up... what a great exam-Ple ) I think ...until at least Edda is 14 15... then it may get tough "Edda. ..[what a splendid long life she had good stuff!].. though your schoolfriends say not very nice things about sweet daddy... he does his best... he started out with great ideas and then life gets complicated.... he is a busy man why he had to marry the other lady she was better at paperwork... I'm sure he isnt quite as bad as they say anyway he had a hard childhood like we have had sometimes so it can make it hard to be some superhero ... he will come to our next bbq and he always makes you smile.."
As usual Woman's Hour had nothing intelligent to say ... so busy trying to figure how they can sex up menstruation as if its only just been invented..i even heard a trailer the other day 'the crisis of menstruatuon being not talked about nor understood by modern medicine...." Funny that even my extremely religious middle aged /class friends sort of i heard the chap say a few years ago his wife has turned it off she just can't take the moaning any more...
Anyway ... I have followed your public utterances for years... Your demand that parental alienation be 'criminalised'. My best friend a very nice sweet man calls it 'ear pissing'.. it happened to his children re him for many years and ok its the children of course who are the victim of all of this...
He is so respected and liked my friend and the best man i know ..but his phrase there are some lifetime traumatising things maybe we shoudnt use funny words about...
But i know one thing. Years of being lay legal in courts. Very good one some serious judges said to me. It became an arms race. Everyone accuses everyone else of 'control' or one or other sort of 'abuse' the men too... If your wish comes true it will just be almost everyone trying to get almost everyone else NICKED for ear pissing...
I reckon i hold almost the world record for being the other 'victim' of your PA - i Never use the phrase, none of these phrases ever help anything for real... just spawn yet more Facebook groups...
I just know... you and me weve been through enough surely we have learned about reality. ...AND TE SOULD.... THE SOUL USHED INTO THE DEEPEST ABYSS....Another law...what does that do... simple High Court agreements to shared care get ripped up... and no one is punished...
please please...can we just have a chat... yes it is a terrible pandemic... and we need a change of culture... but i know no Families Need Fathers or Fathers4justice even understands any more why we shoudnt endlessly call for more anti woman law because it is as we know more baddie woman this one...
I jest on the call for anti woman law... becaise no one can understand that any law simply has not ever really worked...and Einstein had something to say about doing the same thing...
And anyway when we know when a law will just as usual be missused ... almost always... arent we dishonouring our children just playing this game over and over...
Surely if people who have had their lives destroyed by PA calling for NO laws to punish it might just be at least some partial useful thing for the next generation..."
bad digital version (now no calories to think.).. but she did get it.. and of course couldn't get it why none of these people should ever be allowed any where near a fuckin book never mind a law book... as in writing them...
It took me quite a lot to write that letter. BUt the second i heard her speak i knew that she was wrong... shame everyone else in this bolshie land can no longer think...
why my movie is only about a period when at least some could, still, just about...
And more were female than male as it happens.
So it is a very happy story...
MORTGAGE...
I have collected about 1000 maybe 1200 good novels and scholarly history science and travel... no young adult really wants to cart around such - 20 bloody heavy boxes i have had to move alone three times in 9 months....
I think maybe about 27 or 8 they start to like to see their book shelves fill up..
As the likes of Meyer who all drive up my way reading The Guardian saying "darling ... poor yeomen....ohh its all just so tragic.... we must DO something.... . article here about how the yeomen cannot afford houses in rthe rural fringes any more because the Lndoners keep buying up even the empty dog kennels... oh hang on its Larissa on the phone i must must take this oh fuck this rural shit signal wish we were back in London...sto the cAR NOW I DONT CCARE WHO IS BEHIND US OR WHAT WE ARE BLOCKING SIGNAL IS SIGNAL AND ITS ALL MINE HERE AND NOW..(accidental cap) dont care who may crash into us signal is signal and these yokels dont desrve any ... i have to speak with her .... lovely yes we just moved in fabulous... we're thinking of buying the cottage next door too...maybe we can let it out to you if you are still rich from the Oligarch alimony hahh hahhh... and yes over the road .. there are some dog kennels must remember tomorrow first thing see if i can't put a bit of you know....pressure ..on that quaint man who owns them... probably hasnt had a shag for years with teeth like them...i can be persuasive you know...I usually get my way darling... yes of course bring all three ... bye bye see you next week... oh now what was i doing...oh yes the newspaper... darling watch out.. i can't read all these potholes vibrating the paper... can't you DO something about that.."
have bought even the dog kennels ...
where does one store stuff i have no idea and nor have i any money to...
Especially as only one person has actually said she values books. And many many sourly MOCK! ... this is true.
Must be worth retail 3 -4 grand... 200 odd 10-20 good in demand still seminal scholarlyish hardbacks the rest 5 quid paperbacks - good ones especially the Russians all are 5 quid books...
700 quid's worth of van new MOT miraculously even if i can't afford to pay the bill...
i keep ALL paperwork...every used tissue with an idea on it...and expect anyone else to.
And know every single penny i have ever borrowed from anyone...or embezzled... or emotionally blackmailed ..or... I am sure in Meyer's UK everyone is always eventually guilty of some offence or other imagined or no...
Me... as someone knows.
I wish to ... live with that passport one day....not here...
BUT I MUST TRY...and just spend a few more weeks trying to get some grown up genuine alliance on a good film or the in initial stages any uneducated person can help with proof of concept just some simple 'treatments'...
and then loads of emotional blackmail of hedge funders and finance folk. i knew some once and ALL of them had kid divorce issues...
And then there's the journalists...
mendicants begging bowl.... did i write in thsi blog of all the actual real genuine fraud crowdfunds pages saved from the Hay on Wye region...2020 too....real true charity fraud by someone i knew and paid money to to teach my daughter the guitar... and may teach yours......anyone can phone me and ask me any real question ...and see every banks statement ive ever had
or account
mine is
82-61-39
00416711
Mr Simon A Clayton..
or paypal to ....
even if Virgin are so absurdly spaz despite their endless advertorial boasting how fabulous they are... that they have a different name on my bank card..
and their website ALMOST as bad as Santander so... i shall close it soon enough...
they are so 'different' to everyone else they probably have a minimum transfer amount of £99.99 inbound so...
and according to my paypal they dont exist ...
Virgin called Clydesdale...
Just pathetic...
oh they get your photo right and your 'profile' ... for gods sake...
never mind THREE different 'identifiers' or links...or ...god only knows....
https:/
GB/paypal.me/simonclayton2021
https://paypal.me/simonclayton2021
